DFP 30 | Feminine Energy

You Can’t Be A KING Until You Embrace The Feminine Energy Within with Relationship Coach Bryan Reeves

DFP 30 | Feminine Energy

There’s been so much conversation around the masculine and feminine lately that it’s important to shine a light on this issue. We all want an amazing, beautiful, loving relationship. We all want to feel connected to someone in a deeper way and in a deeper level. Life and relationship Coach Bryan Reeves talks about the feminine energy in relationships. One of his articles was titled You Can’t be a King until You Embrace the Feminine. Bryan is a former United States Air Force captain. He has a very popular blog which has over 30 million viewers. He’s also been on the Oprah Winfrey Show and he currently lives in San Diego California. If you have relationship questions or if you want to elevate your relationship to the next level, read on to expand your ability to connect with other people.

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You Can’t Be A KING Until You Embrace The Feminine Energy Within with Relationship Coach Bryan Reeves

I’m here to bring on a special guest, someone who I was inspired by. I kept coming across his articles and one of which was titled You Can’t be King Until You Embrace Feminine. I feel like there’s been so much conversation around the masculine and feminine lately both in my own work and in other people’s work that I wanted to bring this special guest on. A lot of you know that I have been bringing up the topics of masculine and feminine. Bryan Reeves, who’s going to be my special guest, is going to be talking a lot about the feminine energy in relationships. He is both a life and relationship coach. Bryan is a former United States Air Force captain. He is also a life and relationship coach. He has a very popular blog, which has over 30 million viewers. He’s also been on the Oprah Winfrey Show and he currently lives in San Diego California. Bryan, how are you?

I’m well, Amanda.

In order to get the audience familiar with more of you and your work, why don’t you give from your own personal experience a little bit about you and how you became a life and relationship coach? I know you gave me a brief bio on it, but hearing from your own words is always a lot juicier.

I became a life and relationship coach by sucking at relationships for twenty years or so. Not that I’m masterful at them. I was born on the East Coast of the US. I’m very earthy grounded, feet on the ground person. I went to university, an engineering school. I was in a fraternity of men or boys really. I went into the military. I was a captain in the Air Force. I was in a very masculine frame of the world. In the military, in particular, I went into a lot of shadow masculine experience and the end result is I came out at 26 years old completely disconnected from my body. I was not able to feel anything. I’m not able to laugh. I’m not able to cry. I am a very passionate person but my light was just out. I remember when I was at college, I was like any young college man ready to kick ass and conquer the world. My experience through my young twenties, I felt like that fire inside of me had been dimmed to barely a flickering like the pilot light was pretty much out.

At 26, I then got out of the military and went into the world and from that place, I tried to do an intimate relationship with women. How do you think that went, Amanda? It didn’t go well, and I even had a Master’s degree in human relations. I got that when I was in the military because I want to understand how humans work and how we relate. One of my courses was human emotions and here I was a man that could hardly feel them but I could study them. I think that the topic that we’re going to explore now, based on an article that I wrote, You Can’t Be King Until You Embrace Feminine Energy. As I was reading through it again because I wrote it almost a year ago and so I forgot what I wrote about, it was such a great reminder to me as well. I look to the movies, there are so many messages that we get in the movies about that are mostly not helpful messages, but there are also stories to teach us how to live when they’re done well and they serve us.

That has been my journey and I came into relationship coaching still as a man learning how to connect emotionally with my own body. My partner said something early in our relationship. We’ve been together for over three years. She’s a very deeply connected emotional woman, which both intrigues and excites and also terrifies me sometimes because again of the messages that we get about what emotions are and how they just get in the way. She said something to me early in our relationship when I was learning to embrace her and welcome her into my life. She said, “You’re never going to embrace my feelings until you learn how to embrace your own.” That’s my intro.

I feel your passion. I feel like I was walking with you. I’m a very positive person as well. When I tell stories, I get into it. I felt your journey and I truly do feel having worked with multiple men and hosting men’s circles. I hear a lot of the men who have been in the military and not just them but specifically all that goes at the desensitizing. On the one hand in some ways, you have to go through that in order to be faced with some of what you see but on the other hand, it’s everywhere. I’ve been talking a lot about the masculine and the feminine and I did an episode on how to be the best lover she’s ever had. One of the things that I shared was you have to get in touch with your own feminine, which is why I wanted to bring you on here to talk about it from a man’s perspective. We’ve been brainwashed by society, by our cultures and by our religion that men need to act a certain way and that showing your emotions and tapping into your feelings is absolutely not masculine.

I think it couldn’t be further from the truth because not only does it prevent you from truly accessing and tapping into a part of yourself which is so incredibly juicy and sacred in every single person wherever you’re out on the gender scale. Also, if we’re not accepting or embracing a part of ourselves, it prevents us from loving ourselves fully. Then we wonder why we’re reaching to these relationships that fulfill us in some way, shape or form and we don’t end up feeling that because we’re not feeling it from within. I’m curious, Bryan, in your experience of learning how to connect to and moving beyond this social conditioning. What was that journey like for you? How did you begin to understand that this was necessary? Not only understand that as you mentioned from a conceptual level but begin to embrace that from an actual experiential level?

The tragedy of this life is not wanting to grieve the passing of every moment. Click To Tweet

The programming runs so deep and even as speaking with you, Amanda, there’s a part of my brain that is consciously aware that if I come off soft, a lot of people out there are not going to respect me. If I move my body a certain way or if I talk with a certain tone of voice that may be more flowy and less rigid and strong that there are immediately people watching that are going to write me off as some California cream puff. Take the movie, Mission Impossible. I watched the Mission Impossible. I saw it with my partner and I have followed the whole series. They’re generally pretty very entertaining movies. They are well-done but one of the things that I noticed in this last one was Tom Cruise has a wife but he’s not able to be with her. He can’t be with his wife. He can’t have a marriage because he has to choose between saving the world or having a wife. He can’t do both.

We all empathize with his dilemma. Either you have a relationship or accomplish your mission. We can’t do both because if I have a relationship, then I’m a soft male and I can’t protect the world and be on my mission. If I’m on my mission, then a woman is just going to get in the way of that. In the movie, it’s represented as though they all acknowledge, “You can’t be married and save the world,” like they practically say those words. Many men struggle with that. How do I allow my emotions? I’m framing it that the men who experience that an intimate relationship, how do I do my work? How do I stay true to myself and make room for the emotional always changing experience of this person I will never understand? It was always wanting me to do it differently than I did it a moment ago that she seemed to like then and now she doesn’t like. I don’t know what she wants from me.

It’s like how am I going to do me and be with this person? In the movie that I wrote this story about, King Arthur, I’ve forgotten this fact. I was reading the blog before this interview and I’ve forgotten. In that movie, King Arthur, the evil king in order to build up his power, he murders his wife and his daughter in order to retain power. He murders his wife and his daughter whom he loves more than anything but he knows if he’s going to stay powerful, he has to murder them. We know that’s the evil king but yet that still is the message we’re getting that to be powerful, we have to sacrifice. It’s represented as the woman or a relationship but it’s the feminine essence, the feminine spirit. I came from the military. I came also as a fraternity at a predominantly male school. The message of the outcome. The military only does professionally what the rest of culture is already doing by default and teaching us that emotions just get in the way. There’s no wisdom and emotions, there’s only obstruction of a good outcome.

We’re so disowned around our emotional experience. As men, and I speak in a heterosexual context and this is where choosing women in most cases unskillfully but just the same would not let me get away with it, would not let me get away with dismissing them. They’re emotionally feeling the experience. It’s over the many years that I did relationship with such women and continues now with my fiancé who is very much a stand for her feelings. Another thing that she said to me that stopped me dead in my tracks at that moment early in our relationship was she was upset about something that in my mind I knew, “You don’t need to be upset about that.” I know some men out there who had that experience. I knew there was no reason to be upset about this. I was explaining to her. Ten minutes go by and I was trying to convince her why she shouldn’t feel the way that she was feeling.

DFP 30 | Feminine Energy
Feminine Energy: You’re never going to embrace other people’s feelings until you learn how to embrace your own.

I was trying to free her with perspective and basically, after ten minutes of me droning on and on about all my philosophy, logic and whatever, she said, “Bryan, nothing you’re saying makes any difference to my feelings.” Where do I go? What do I do now? At the end over three years together, what it ultimately comes down to is yes, it’s a stand to be present for her feelings but more than that, it’s a stand to be present for my own feelings. My own discomfort, my own inability to be with the discomfort of being alive. The tragedy of this life, not wanting to grieve the passing of every moment. I will just keep going on and on but I don’t want to monopolize.

What I’m learning from you is how much you’re learning from the other. That’s what makes a successful relationship. I feel that as there’s this rise of the feminine, it’s everywhere. We’re very aware that the feminine is returning in business in the way that we’re showing up. I feel like what’s happening for a lot of women is we’re reconnecting to our divine masculine. We’re starting to take a stand, we’re starting to be stronger, we’re starting to remember that the masculine too within all of us, this masculine and this feminine, they’re both necessary. What I hear from you in your relationship is that you’re learning to dance with one another. You’re learning to listen to one another and then learning from each other. It’s not about competition. It’s so interesting how sometimes in a relationship you can be with someone and for some reason all of a sudden you think that you’re against each other. It’s like, “I’m on your team. Remember when you told me that you felt like crap because you had too many drinks and here I am being a silent reminder like, ‘Are you sure you want to have that drink?’ I’m not against you. I’m trying to work with you.”

In relationships so often, because the ego is so fragile in all of us, it can begin to feel as though that we’re not on the same team. What I’m hearing from you is that you’re able to use the opportunity of when your wife says something, not as an attack but as an opportunity to dive deeper, to open up and to create a reflection. One thing that I love about what you said is that, “It’s not going to make a difference to my feeling.” The masculine is about logic, direction, focus, structure. Whereas the feminine, it’s not a narrow-pointed focus. It’s about being in the expansiveness of being, being present with it. It doesn’t need to change. It doesn’t need to do anything and nothing needs to happen. It just is and it is enough.

I feel like that, in general, is not enough saying is something that’s common in our collective consciousness. I feel like oftentimes that comes from the masculine dominated world of needing to do better, perform more, be higher, reach more goals and build bigger skyscrapers. All of that is beautiful and it’s great. Also, if we can allow ourselves to be witness to whatever it is, whether it’s the emotion or the feeling and not have to try to create it to be or to mean something, then in that in and of itself is some of the juiciness where we can begin to experience ourselves and also ourselves in relationship with the other.

We grow up as adults with that same tuning in our nervous system that says, If I lose you, I'm going to die. Click To Tweet

One way that I find helpful to illustrate what you said is that there’s an evolutionary path along, which we humans can grow. It’s this three stages model, from codependence to interdependence. I had this epiphany about codependence and why are so many of us codependent? What is that? It shocked me in my mid-twenties to discover how codependent I was. Even I was a captain in the world’s most powerful Air Force and I’m in a relationship with this strong woman. I was in France, I married a French woman and I was so codependent, I couldn’t believe it. I had this realization that when we were born as babies, we are literally dependent on our parent or some caretaker for survival. For the first five to ten years of our life, if we aren’t fed, cared for, boundaries don’t even make sense at that age. If we were to put up a boundary to say, “No, I’m not eating my peas,” then our mom never fed us our peas because we don’t want to eat our peas, we die. She has to shove food down our throats at some point if we refuse to eat.

We grow up as adults with that same tuning in our nervous system that, “If I lose you, I’m going to die. If you don’t do it the way I need you to, I’m going to die. If you don’t approve of me, validate me, love me, touch me, talk to me, all the ways that I need you to, I’m going to die.” It feels like, “I’m going to die,” and they can look at you like, “Same.” For a minute it often shows up, “If you’re not easier, if you don’t be easier, if you don’t stop being so difficult, I want to kill myself. I want to scratch my eyeballs out.” That’s that codependent way of doing relationship. I’m a man so I can speak more to a man’s experience and of course not every man’s going to have the same experience. Men tend to be the stand for independence, “Figure it out for yourself. Do it on your own. You fall down and pick yourself back up. I don’t want to have to take care of you.” We tend to be the stand for that. Now we do it in a very codependent way because, “If you don’t do it then I’m pissed off. If you don’t take care of yourself, if you’re going to be difficult for me, I’ve got to solve all your problems.”

Women tend to be the catalyst for the stage three experience, which is that interdependence. In stage one, we’re totally codependent. Stage two is the waking up of my independence, boundaries, “Here’s where I am in discovering my wholeness, my masculine and my feminine. I have emotions, what are these? I should cry more. I’m a man, I should go to a yoga retreat and I should feel. I should do some therapy maybe.” A woman in the second stage might be, “I’m going to start my business. I’m going to create independence. I’m not going to depend on a man for resources.” These are all healthy evolutions out of that co-dependence.

In codependency, everything is a threat, “You’re my mommy. You’re either going to love me or leave me, one of the two.” It’s like, “Tell me what to do,” and I don’t want to be told what to do. It’s so fascinating because we can be very strong and independent in our lives but get into a relationship and all that old stuff are right there. Much of the work that I do when I’m working with couples is helping to steward that evolution out of codependence through independence and ultimately where everyone’s heart yearns to be in that interdependent dance and exchange of gifts. A relationship is an invitation, not an obligation. We’re all yearning to live. That only happens in the third stage when we’ve learned how to have strong boundaries. We’ve learned to source in ourselves both masculine and feminine capacity.

DFP 30 | Feminine Energy
Feminine Energy: We can be very strong and independent in our lives, but get into a relationship and all that old stuff are just right there.

This has been a topic I was talking with a woman who I’m going to do a Facebook series with. We were talking about this exact thing like this codependence versus interdependence. Let’s think about it in our evolution. We can’t fault ourselves for this. The most important thing is to bring awareness to it and then from that awareness be able to say, “In our conscious state, how can we choose to show up in the way that we want to show up, instead of the way that we’ve been taught to show up?” Let’s be honest, from evolution it was very codependent and it was almost necessary. We needed each other when we were in tribes all the way up until even our parents age and the war, the times of the First World War, the Second World War, the Great Depression, all of these things. It was very codependent. Where do we learn our relationship styles?

We were learning them from our parents. Let’s be honest, the majority of our parents, I don’t know I can’t speak for everyone, but we had some relationship issues with our parents. We were always fighting because what did they teach? Especially like my grandparents. My parents’ age divorce became a thing, but our grandparents and their grandparents, it didn’t matter how crappy their relationship was. It didn’t matter if your husband was the town drunk or if he abused you. You stuck with him and you pretended that everything was fine and that the house was perfect. Imagine how that scarred our parents when they saw what was going on beneath with mom being beaten and dad sleeping with whoever and they still stayed together. Our parents had to be like, “Here I am learning from them about how to be in a relationship, so my self-worth is oftentimes less than what it is.”

Here we are that next evolution of learning the individual and learning the boundaries of the self of what’s okay and what’s not okay and what’s acceptable and, “How do I communicate my needs and desires so that I’m understood on each side?” We have different brains. We have different biological functions. If we can’t communicate and if we can’t learn to feel and to tap in and then express that, there is no way we’re going to be able to understand a relationship that is balanced, fluid and growing.

It occurred to me tragically that women, you couldn’t afford to not be codependent for most of human history. Violent death likely awaited you if you didn’t know how to manipulate a man, if you didn’t know how to shut up when you felt threatened. That’s only the last few hundred years and probably less and even still now largely women live at risk. You’re hurt emotionally all the time but physically without that codependent skill of being able to be sneaky, manipulative and use your guile to get what you need. It’s not a question of bad humans. It’s a question of this is where we are in our evolutionary stage and now is the time.

A relationship is an invitation, not an obligation. Click To Tweet

Everything from the #MeToo Movement has been a profound catalyst for men also to take stock of how we are showing up in ways that maybe we don’t realize we’re having a particular impact. With this whole #MeToo Movement, especially with social media and everything, every man had that moment of looking back and reflecting. Maybe because I had strong mom and lots of sisters, I don’t know, but there’s a part of me that’s like, “Thank God,” as I look back into my past. I still have things to take account for but dismissing my fiancé’s feelings is what I’m being called to task for and it’s hard work. No one ever told me how to do this. No one ever taught me how to be present with a woman’s feelings. If anything, I got the message that feelings don’t matter. She once sent me a text message early in our relationship after we had an argument and we got through it so I thought. She sent me a text message that said, “I want you to know that your feelings matter to me.” My first thought was, “Why? My feelings don’t even matter to me. Why should they matter to you? I don’t care if they mattered.” I’m a pretty thoughtful sensitive dude. I’m a pretty passionate alive man and I’m aware of all these things.

I’ve had a difficult relationship with my father for many years and that’s a source of great sadness and anger for me. This was maybe even a year ago or so because we’ve been healing a lot of that, which is so important for men whether your father is alive or dead, whether you know him or not. For women too clearly but for men especially, we heal that relationship with father, with our male lineage is so profoundly important. When I was struggling with my dad, it shows up in my relationship with Silvy. I remember one time I was driving and Silvy was with me and I called him on the phone and it was like any conversation we ever had. It was so disappointing to me not feeling that the man, the father energy that I so crave from him. I hung up the phone and we were driving in and Silvy tells me, “It’s okay if you want to pull over and be sad and cry.” My first thought was, “Why would I do that? I’m driving. We have somewhere to be.”

I’m on a mission, I’m driving, I don’t have time for emotions but the problem with that is if I don’t have time for emotions, then there’s no room in my relationship for my partner. Not even for me, not fully me either and we’re all robbed. I use the metaphor of a castle as the masculine structure of our lives. We’re all building castles, creating wealth, creating businesses, creating structure, comfort but if there’s no fire in the hearth of the castle, if there’s no life in that castle, what good is it? It’s lonely and desolate. That is that feminine flow, that emotional energy, that emotional weight, that’s messy, the sadness and all of it, not just the smiley stuff but all of it, the sadness. Without that, life is empty and cold and we don’t feel anything. I’ve been there and it’s horrible. It’s a horrible place to live. That’s why this matters.

DFP 30 | Feminine Energy
Feminine Energy: Healing means learning how to be with your own sadness and anger, knowing that it’s never going to be different.

I work with a lot of men who they’ll share with me that, “My relationship with my father was dull. When I think about my father, he was that very atypical stoic man. There was no deep connection. There was no, ‘How are you doing? How are you feeling, son? What’s going on in your life?’” Very oftentimes, for many men, it was like the father showed up, he paid the bills, he went to work, he came home on time, he had his beer, he watches TV, he went to bed. That deeper connection that truly wanting to say like, “Are you here with me? Can I drop in with you?” This is I think common what’s coming up even for some of my female clients as well is this, “How is your relationship with your parents? It’s surface level.”

There’s not like, “We’re good but there’s not a whole lot of depth and understanding and presence.” I can talk to my parents on a very surface level, “How are you doing? How is your job?” “Good.” Everything is great.” “Awesome, cool, how are you?” “Everything’s fine, just the same.” “Thank you, bye.” We’re all craving this deeper connection of wanting to show our spirit, our heart and our soul. From your experience, as a man with your father and wanting to heal this relationship, it’s incredibly important that we do whatever we can. That doesn’t mean that they’re going to change because chances are, they won’t and that’s okay, we have to accept that. Doing whatever work we need to do to help heal ourselves and whatever baggage we may have been holding on in those relationships.

I’d like to point out that accepting it also means being with the sadness and anger that’s present because you’re right that most of our cases, our parents are not going to just suddenly start being the parent we want. I love my father. He’s such a good-hearted man and he is never going to be the father that I so crave in my being. He doesn’t know how. It wasn’t a model for him and he’s at an age or at least of a mindset. He probably doesn’t even know. We’ve had conversations, he just doesn’t know how to show up any differently and I can’t pretend that that doesn’t hurt. It feels like a deep injustice and yet I’m a white man born in the United States. I’m one of the luckiest people, most privileged people on the planet and it still hurts that I don’t have the father to show me the way in life, a father that I trust to show me the way. Feeling that doesn’t mean finally finding another man who will do it.

For me, healing it means two things. It means learning how to be with my own sadness and my anger, knowing that it’s never going to be different. It will evolve, change and grow and we can be closer but I’m never going to trust him and look to him in a way that I want to be able to look to an elder man to help me. The other part though is learning how to father myself. Learning how to discover and claim that wisdom within that is, call it whatever you want, my inner father, my higher self, love, source, God, whatever. That’s why a lot of us turn to God to be the father that our human fathers can’t be. Whatever that is, I experience it as just another external guy who’s going to disappoint me for who I can disappoint but rather sourcing without that connection to the divine, whatever that means. That is fathering myself in a way, discovering that ancient primal wisdom to show me the way that no human man could anyway. I won’t be able to for my son. When I have a son, God willing, I’ll only be able to take him so far. Then he’s got to find his own way. I love this stuff. It’s so fascinating and wonderful to talk about.

I love passion and I love when I meet people who I get wrapped up in their stories because you can feel that they’re coming from a place of feeling. It’s coming from being able to access and to be able to sit with this. Sit with your own feelings and allow it to this space to be felt and allow that to be what captivates people and helping them reconnect to their own passion, their own feeling, and their own fire.

Without the feminine flow, life is empty and cold, and we don’t feel anything. Click To Tweet

For any men watching or women who are connected to men that you know that on some level there’s resonance here. I’m taking men to Ireland, a group of ten men on retreat for a week. I’m doing a whole yearlong program, that’s part of it, to dive in and do some of this work. We’re not supposed to do this alone. I don’t do this by myself. When I try to do this work on my own, I get angrier. In the world now, it’s very easy for men to isolate and to find a pseudo-connection through social media, through porn, through work, sports or fantasy football leagues. To do this work and to do it with other men coming together and bringing our vulnerability in spaces where we feel safe because we’re with other men. Being with men is different than being with women. Creating that space is important. I want to speak that because I don’t do this work alone. If there’s any men or women that are connected to men that this resonates with, please drop me a message or something. You’re not supposed to do this alone. This is the most important work I believe any man can do.

It’s beautiful to know that it’s not about doing it alone. We’re changing the story of a lone wolf to the wolf pack, choosing to remember that. In The Men’s Circles that I host, it’s like look realizing that when we all put our swords down, we have this ability to support one another and hold space for one another and be so much stronger with each other. Somewhere along the way, I’m not exactly sure, maybe the industrial revolution, we went from this tribe mentality to this individual mentality. The whole conscious collective feels that. Men and women everywhere feel that. They feel that isolation.

They feel that disconnection from each other and they feel that deep wanting to want to be a part of something bigger, which is why I feel like so many more people are waking up to, “I’ve been following an old story. Is this my truth? Is this how I want to show up in the world? Is this what my soul is asking for? Is this what makes me come alive?” It all has to come back to this masculine and feminine within us all. There’s a part of your blog that I wanted to speak to. One of the things that you said was, “The great gift of the feminine that most men and most women too fail to grasp is she orients us towards love. When we refuse to embrace her feminine influence in our lives, we orient towards crap that doesn’t matter; money, orgasm and self-inflation.” Talk about that.

DFP 30 | Feminine Energy
Feminine Energy: Men who have success feel something’s missing, but they can’t even figure it out because they have everything.

I love that you brought that up. That word orientation has become such an important word to me these last few years. I came to this idea of orientation through being so disoriented for so long. Disoriented around, “What the am I doing here?” I’ve always been instinctively suspicious of the dollar bill as the thing I should be orienting around or the same, bagging lots of women, scoring lots of chicks. Even the polyamory, for the sake of having a harem or whatever. I’ve always been very suspicious of these measures of orientation like that’s the measure of a man or being more powerful, status all of that. I’ve spent a lot of time and when we talk about being disoriented, a lot of men who have made money. I’ve worked with these men. I’m sure men in your work, you’ve experienced these men constantly. The men who have success. They have everything they thought they supposed to want and it doesn’t work. Something’s missing and they can’t even figure it out because they have everything.

Those men usually feel pretty dead inside. The feeling is like, “I’ve got a castle but there’s no life in it.” When I talk about being oriented towards love, I had the experience. Silvy and I, we broke up six months into our relationship. We’ve been together over three years now and we broke up six months into our relationship. It was a shock to me. We hit a wall. Every relationship, every worthy relationship, you’re going to run into your crap pretty quick. We hit it and we’re working with a coach who was incredibly irresponsible and unethical, and she did not serve us well. Our stuff wasn’t held well and we broke up at six months and at this time, my blogs were being read by millions of people around the world. I was making more money than I’d ever made as an entrepreneur. At least until the moment, she broke up I had the woman of my dreams, everything was working, people were admiring me, sending me messages about my work from all over the world. It’s like I was on top of the world.

The day she broke up with me. I was giving a speech. I was giving a lecture at a spa conference in Philadelphia in a big conference hall. I was speaking on how to do business with the mindset of love. That was a topic I was talking about. We spoke at the end of the conference. All these conference centers they have those giant halls outside, the huge expansive cavernous halls. I had a dream that morning that she was breaking up with me. When we spoke that evening at 5:00, I heard it in her voice immediately. I hadn’t spoken to her for four days. She was on a silent retreat. As soon as I got her on the phone, I heard it in her voice, she’s breaking up with me. That day as I sat in that cavern, I felt the absolute emptiness of life without love. What I felt like my heart had gone away at that moment. It’s all symbolic, it’s all metaphorical but her leaving me at that moment was like the hearth of fire in my heart goes out.

I’ve never been suicidal and I wasn’t suicidal then but I remember walking around in the psychological space within which men kill themselves because I have everything or at least that was my experience as I have everything I thought I wanted, like this is the world and I feel nothing. It’s pointless. It’s utterly meaningless. It was profound and agonizing. That was reorienting for me because one of the things that she would say in those first six months that I never understood was, “You’re like a single man in a relationship with me. You act like a single man a lot.” I don’t get that because we talk about them on Facebook, to the world, I’m saying, “I’m in love with this woman.” “Everyone knows about you. I’ve told the world about you. What are you talking about?” What I realized was I was still living as a one-person system. There was another person who showed up but I was still very much a one-person system. It’s all about me and my choices.

This is a real challenge that a lot of relationships face is how to go from one-person systems to a we-system that encompasses and embraces those one-person systems. It doesn’t throw them out but incorporates them into a third and new entity. The we-system and the only way that works is if that “we” is oriented towards love. Not oriented towards my ego or her ego but oriented towards love because love is what embraces us both. It doesn’t dismiss either of us. It encompasses us both. It serves “we,” it serves the whole and that is the ultimate orientation that never gets boring, never loses its fire, always keeps us guessing and in the mystery, which is where we want relationships to be. We don’t want to resolve the tension of intimacy. What fun would that be? Yet we constantly try to resolve it. Here we go, learning to be with tension, be with discomfort, be embrace that feminine experience.

Accepting means being with the sadness and the anger that's present. Click To Tweet

You’re such a great storyteller. This is why your blogs are viewed by millions all over the world and the relationship work that you do is so powerful. I love everything that you’ve shared with us so far, Bryan. It’s been beautiful not only to hear your own experience, your own challenges, and downfalls and just how you chose to step up and to step into that and begin to understand what the root of it all is at the end of the day which is love. What you’re doing things for love and showing up for love whether it’s in your personal life, in your romantic life, in your relationships or in your sole purpose life which is powerful. I know that you mentioned that you have your men’s program. What other things do you have going on? How else do people who are I’m sure inspired by you, other than following you on Facebook connect with you and what resources do you have available for people who are wanting to embrace this?

The best place to connect with me is through my website, BryanReeves.com. My partner, Silvy and I, we put together a program called The Boundaries Program, Relationships Suck Without Boundaries. That is a great place to begin discovering or continue discovering boundaries and how to navigate out of codependence and into a strong independent foundation for interdependence. All that’s on my website. This is my excitement right now. As I’m stepping into working more exclusively with men. I still work with couples but men who are excited. It’s usually women that are the catalyst for us men to do this work.

DFP 30 | Feminine Energy
Feminine Energy: One of the challenges for us men is we don’t trust other men. We’ve cultivated such a competitive show-no-weakness environment.

My men’s program, if there are any men, if you want to make 2019 a powerful year of incredible transformation in your professional life, in your creative life, your intimate life, I am taking ten men for all of 2019. We’re going to go to Ireland together. We’re going to for a weeklong retreat in a beautiful gorgeous countryside. We’re going to go to West Ireland and be in a beautiful setting in nature to the edge of the world. The known world where men for thousands of years would go to get clarity and be closer to God and to touch life at a deep level. We’re going to do that next year. If what we’ve talked about here excites you, go to my website, BryanReeves.com and message me through there. I’ll give you more details about it. Amanda, I appreciate what you’re doing to as a woman hosting men’s circles. Sometimes a lot of men only feel safe with women at first. They don’t trust other men.

One of the challenges for us men is we don’t trust other men. We’ve cultivated such a competitive show-no-weakness environment with the mindset with each other so often that a lot of times our bridge into doing deep work is through women who can hold that space for us initially. I want to acknowledge and honor that you have a very strong energy which I know and you’re a woman at the same time. For men to step into doing that with you, if that’s a first step or an ongoing step, whatever it is I think that’s important also. I just want to honor and value what you’re doing in the conversation that you are leading and inviting people into as well.

We all need each other, at the end of the day, what we’re all trying to do is help our individual selves reconnect with all parts of us, our masculine and our feminine and that way we can come back together. There are many different ways that we can do that and support. There are so many of us who truly do want that not only for ourselves but for the world. I appreciate you and I appreciate you being on here. I appreciate your passion and how much delight you brought with. Thank you, Bryan. Thank you for bringing what you do to the world. Thank you for sitting with your feelings and for being a part of this conversation and the conversation with the global conscious collective and helping us have better more fulfilling relationships.

Thank you, Amanda. I’m honored to do this with you.

Take care. Thank you so much.

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About Bryan Reeves

DFP 30 | Feminine EnergyBryan Reeves is a Former United States Air Force Captain. One-time Oprah Show Guest. Forever Conscious Stardust. Bryan’s viral blog, “Choose Her Every Day (or Leave Her),” has been read by over 30 million people. Having survived multiple dark nights of the soul and thrown himself into the transformational fires of intimate relationship over and over and over, he is now a Life Coach & Relationship Coach to men, women, and couples worldwide. His books and courses, including “Boundaries: Relationships Suck Without ‘Em!” have helped thousands of people make sense of love and intimacy’s bewildering senselessness. Learn more @ www.BryanReeves.com.

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