DFP 29 | Sexual Self-Mastery

Sexual SELF-MASTERY — Sharpening Your Masculine Edge: Shining The Light On The Shadow Side Of Pornography with Mark Queppet

DFP 29 | Sexual Self-Mastery
 

Many people misunderstand and misuse their sexual energy that they end up being trapped in it. One of the examples that hold people hostage from living their ideal lives is porn addiction which creates an imbalance between sex and sexual relations. Talking about how men can harness their sexual self-mastery and sharpen their masculine edge is professional certified life coach and porn addiction recovery expert, Mark Queppet. Mark lays down some statistics about how porn addiction and the consequential act of masturbation has affected men’s health. He also shares some of the reasons why porn is hampering them from truly living. Mark dishes out some advice on how men can make it over this hump and take back their control of their sexual energy. 

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Sexual SELF-MASTERY — Sharpening Your Masculine Edge: Shining The Light On The Shadow Side Of Pornography with Mark Queppet

I want to welcome you to this show and I’m excited to be bringing you someone special. Someone who I find is truly standing in owning his truth and showing up to do the self-work. The person that I’m going to bring on, I was introduced to him by a friend of mine who did a summit and she brought him on. This person is truly owning his power and seeing the shadows and doing the self-work to help liberate not only himself from some of the sexual energy but also helping educate and helping men drawing awareness to a challenge that we face in our society, which creates a lot of disharmony in our sexual imbalance. This is the use of pornography. We’re going to dive a little bit deeper into these concepts. I’ll talk to you about how I met Mark and why I decided to bring him on the show. What I’m trying to do here is create a conscious community where we can all wake up and help one another thrive. If you can share this, if you resonate with this idea that we can all choose to tap into our sacred sexuality and change the imbalance that often is surrounding sex and our sexual relations, please share this out.

Mark is an amazing coach and also content creator in the roles of masculinity and also sexual self-mastery. I would love to get more people on here. If you have your own opinions or insights on this, let me know. I would love to hear in your comments maybe what your challenges are. What do you feel are the challenges in understanding our own sexual energy? Many of you who have been following me know I talk a lot about the #MeToo Movement, trying to create a bigger perspective on why the #MeToo Movement have happened. What does it mean for us in our future and how can we choose to allow this awareness of something that’s been in the shadows for so long to begin to become our healing around sexual energy? I talk a lot about sacred sexuality, reconnecting the masculine and the feminine within and we’re going to dive a bit into that. Mark. How are you?

I’m doing well. Thank you so much for having me.

I was introduced to you by a good friend of mine who you spoke on a summit of hers that she was talking about in regard to sex, sexual self-mastery, pornography and some of the shadow sides of our sexual culture. I was inspired by the way that you truly owned where you’ve been and some of the shadows. Also, you took something that you were realizing was holding you back in your own life and your own ability to connect to your divine masculine. Now you help a lot of people who are struggling with the same issue. Why don’t you go ahead and tell us a little bit about your background and give the audience some awareness on what I’m talking about?

Have true connections and deep connections instead of just sexual lust connections. Click To Tweet

I’d always been interested in self-development and I always had these big dreams about how I wanted to change the world and do stuff like that. As I got older, I realized that some of the habits that I developed in my youth particularly around the beginning of puberty were holding me back, namely my addiction to porn and masturbation. I’m 29 now so anyone who’s my age or younger and maybe even a little bit older, it’s like you start masturbating anywhere between twelve and fifteen and then the internet started to come along then. Internet was a relatively new thing, like the high-speed internet in particular. Most parents give you unlimited access to it and that’s what my parents did. They didn’t know better. Maybe they even tried, but I was able to get around with any filter or whatever they put up and I used it because it felt good and it was exciting. As I got older, I realized more and more that it was not serving me but at the same time, I felt trapped.

I was raised Catholic and then I broke away from the Catholic Church for a long time, studied a whole bunch of different Eastern stuff and eventually came back. One of the big reasons why I left the Catholic Church was because they have this idea, “Porn is bad.” I was trying to be a good Catholic at one point. I was a sophomore in high school, so around fifteen or sixteen. I was trying to give up porn for Lent and I went 30 days without porn or masturbation. I started feeling terrible. I felt horrible and I was like, “Clearly something’s not working out here.” As soon I went back to it, I felt immediately better. I remember laughing after I did it because I feel amazing. Clearly, this whole traditional idea of cutting this stuff out is so wrong because of how good it makes me feel. Fast forward a number of years into the future, what I realized happened was I was going through withdrawal. I was already addicted and that’s what was getting me stuck. It was creating this perception that I needed this thing in such a way that I never live through without it post-puberty. That’s a lot of guys.

They’ve never gone for an extended period of time without some immediately gratifying sexual activity. They have this very distorted view about what their sexual energy is like. That’s how I would have gotten into this. Helping guys more or less make it over that hump of learning how to take back control of their sexual energy so that they can stop being a victim to their own emotions, a victim to their own sex drive, a victim to every pretty girl that walks by them. As far as I understand it, a lot of guys that go through life feeling like whenever they see a pretty girl that they’re not having sex with, that immediately throws them into a position of lack and longing. Their only option to mitigate that pain is to create some fantasy world in their mind where they are having sex with that person or to turn to porn and relieve it that way. That’s a crap way of living. It’s a terrible way to live. It’s not real. It drains your energy. It limits your capacity in so many ways because this stuff messes up your brain. It can mess up your sexuality. My goal is to help guys take that back and learn how to make love to life rather than their hands and all the self-development stuff that goes into that. That’s what I make my living doing.

One thing that I immediately want to reflect to and one of the reasons why I wanted to have you on is because you own it, Mark. This is something that I feel like you’re so under the radar that so many people are afraid to admit, are afraid to accept, are afraid to talk about, much less be open and honest about, “I’ve been there.” It is a huge issue and I know that you have a lot of research. This is your work and it’s some of the most important work. I do a lot around the #MeToo Movement and how have we gotten to where we are. I believe that it’s because oftentimes, we’re not taught about sex. We’re not taught about what it is unless you’re in a school class or you’re asking your friends and they don’t know or porn. Those are the only three ways. Maybe if you’re lucky, you have older brothers and sisters that helped you out. Nobody knows.

DFP 29 | Sexual Self-Mastery
Sexual Self-Mastery: Sometimes, the only option to mitigate pain is to create some fantasy world in the mind.
 

All of this chemistry that’s overtaking our body, we don’t know how to use it but it’s this driving force, especially for men. It’s a lot stronger than it is for women. I remember you were telling me about some of the statistics with pornography. I would love to give the audience a little bit of the background of what you’ve discovered as you’ve been on this journey both statistically speaking as well as working with some of the men. What have been some of the most profound realizations that you’ve had in awareness around this topic?

I’m not an expert in the statistics or the science. I’m an expert in the recovery process, but I do know in general what’s happening. One of the maybe most telling things is that erectile dysfunction rates in men under 40 is up an absurd amount from where it was pre-internet days. Pre-internet days, it was 1% or something like that of the guys under 40 suffer from erectile dysfunction. Now it’s up there around 30% or 40% or something like that. It’s absurd and the reason that this happens is that if you’re constantly jerking off to porn, your brain is described as plastic which means that it will adapt to what you expose it to. If you consistently tell your brain that sex is a mouse, keyboard, hand lotion and a computer monitor, eventually that’s what your brain starts to believe that sex is. When it’s exposed to actual sex, it can’t respond properly. You don’t get hard or you have delayed ejaculation or you have things where guys get very escalated fetishes.

They say when you’re a kid, you could get off to an underwear catalog. After you get exposed to high speed porn, eventually it has to get more and more hardcore, more and more niche for you to have interest because your brain constructs these hierarchies. I want to go back to a point where you said this affects men more intensely than women. You said something like, men feel this sex drive or something more intensely, but women feel it too. It’s just that women engage with it differently. If I was going to describe two sides of a coin, the male side would be porn addiction and the female side will be eating disorders. The reason for that is because when a man is looking at thousands of women, he’s constantly creating a hierarchy of what the ideal woman looks like. That’s the escalation process. He finds a certain state body, has former experience sex acts and it gets more and more narrow. Then women, they end up having to compete against that ideal rather than a more realistic one. That’s what feeds a lot of this crazy body image stuff that women struggle with, I would say.

It’s a whole big mess in that regard. 90% of men use porn on a regular basis now. This is crazy considering our brains didn’t evolve for this stuff. We didn’t evolve to be able to have this peak stimulatory, orgasmic experience on demand. A guy in ten minutes, his brain could see more potential mates than our hunter-gatherer ancestors would have seen in their entire lifetime. We weren’t designed to do this. In order to navigate this digital landscape of infant and novelty, we have to develop these sociological mechanisms that allow us to differentiate between what is real, what is not, what’s useful, what’s not. We’re still figuring this out as a species because this has put a kink in things in terms of male and female sexual dynamics. I would argue that it plays a major role in the divorce rates and all that stuff. The fundamental unit of society is the family. The fundamental bond that the family is based upon is the sexual relationship between a man and a woman. You start messing with that, which is what porn absolutely does, there’s going to be ripples all throughout society. That’s what I care about.

There is a danger of becoming repressive by going too far in the opposite direction.  Click To Tweet

A vulnerable share for me that I’ve been observing of myself lately is I’ve been in a situation where I’m very selective about who I choose to engage with sexually. Because of that it’s been very narrowed down. It’s not even a physical thing. It’s more of an energetically aligned. A lot of my work is in the work of Tantra and wanting to make sure that I have true connections and deep connections instead of just sexual lust connections. Long story short, I haven’t been having a lot of these connections. Even though I’m a nutritionist and I only eat healthy, food has become the one thing that can comfort me, that can ground me and that can make me feel pleasure in ways. I could masturbate, but that gets old. This is not doing it and it also takes time. I have to be in a sacred space and there are all these parts, especially for women. The atmosphere makes it even when we’re playing in pleasuring with ourselves.

One thing that I was wondering, “Why am I pleasure-eating more? I don’t understand.” I’m very aware while I’m doing it and I realized it’s because there is this masculine, there’s this force that I’m not having in my life. It is pleasurable, it’s grounding and it’s comforting. Me going and working out or me going and doing healthier habits, they don’t bring me that same sense and it’s as close to what I could get if I was being sexually or intimately connecting with a man. That’s something that I’ve discovered about myself. It’s very powerful for also all the women to be aware of your own eating habits and patterns. Once we start to identify what’s going on, what’s the kink and the disruption in our ability to connect to one another sexually on levels that we feel truly comforting supported as well as excited, this is truly going to be able to help to heal a lot of the disconnection between masculine and feminine and a lot of the repressed sexuality that happens all over, especially because of religion.

I’m in India and I was at a Tantra Festival. It’s a very different experience being in a Tantra Festival when there are people from India who are here. You can see the repression of connection to women versus the difference between some of the Westerners. Here you’re covered, you’re closed, it’s forbidden, you have to get married. Even seeing the energetic dynamic between the Westerners and the locals here and how they’re able to connect, to touch and to relate with women was a very interesting experience as a Western woman to want to be able to create sensations with both people but not feeling safe. A lot of the women here have been trapped in this confinement and not having the ability to express.

That’s something that maybe you and I disagree on a little bit. I’m of the mindset that if you want to make something sacred, that essentially means some restriction. The analogy I use is imagine that your mom makes this wonderful chocolate cake and it’s super delicious. She only brings it out on holidays and because of that, everyone gets pumped. It means a lot, it’s amazing and you have it a few times a year but you say, “Why am I only having this a few times a year?” You get the recipe for your mom and you start making it every single day. All of a sudden, it doesn’t mean so much, it’s not so satisfying and you start getting fat. There is a very strong seed of truth in that respect for the power of sex in these traditions. Do they sometimes get repressive? Yes. Sometimes they get very negative, but I would argue that there is a danger of becoming repressive by going too far in the opposite direction too.

DFP 29 | Sexual Self-Mastery
Sexual Self-Mastery: If you want to make something sacred, that essentially means some restriction.
 

People say, “It’s so sex-positive to masturbate all the time and watch all this porn,” but in reality, what that is training people to do is not learn how to hold their sexual energy. As soon as they feel horny, they need to get rid of it. They need to make it go away. I don’t masturbate. I have sex with my wife but by doing that, by creating that restriction saying, “No, it is only for this one thing,” one, that’s hard in some sense because I have to learn how to hold that sexual energy and channel it in other directions. Two, it makes it so that every act of sex then is incredibly meaningful. There’s danger in both directions. It all comes down to how are you holding and honoring the sexuality within you?

This is why I’m wanting to bring more men into this because I’m not a man and my body is different, and my needs are different. I understand the chemistry only from an objective and understanding through listening, talking and researching myself. You mentioned something around holding your sexual energy and saving it for the power and the act of sex. I would love it if you could talk a little bit more about that and what that journey has been for you because we’re conditioned so often that ejaculation is what you need and also as much as you can have, that you can get it. I’m curious what your experience with that is and that journey for you.

I was addicted to porn and sex. More or less between the ages of 12 to 23 is when I quit porn. I also took a period of almost two years of complete abstinence before I married my now wife and we had been dating for a long time since I was nineteen. We’ve been together for almost ten years now. The big thing first is getting through the chemical withdrawal, like your body has an adaptation period where it’s expecting a very high level of orgasm. Learning how to recondition physically on that level is very challenging. You go through a lot of physical withdrawal symptoms in terms of that ache, that itching, that burning desire. You might even have some blue balls and stuff like that. If you ever get into a phase where you’re working out a lot then and you stop working out, your muscles will begin to ache.

Something like that does happen to your sexual equipment as it adapts to a lower orgasm frequency. The more profound thing is all of the other stuff that comes up in this process because most guys that I know, they call themselves porn addicts. It’s not so much a sexual thing. Yes, there’s a huge sexual component but it’s also what are they using that orgasm to cover up because orgasm is like a crazy chemical cocktail. In order to get something that matches that, you’re going have to use some hard drugs. People use porn as a mood modification tool whenever they’re bored, lonely, angry, frustrated, whatever. They can turn on some porn, have an orgasm and completely nuke their brain and not have to feel those feelings. On top of the physical withdrawal symptoms, there is often a period where all those repressed emotions, all those repressed issues in your life start boiling to the surface.

When you can learn how to hold the truth up in the face of a painful emotion, that's when you're going to get free. Click To Tweet

You’ve got this stereotype of the porn addict being this basement dwelling dirty dude, which is inaccurate in most cases. There’s a lot of very high functioning porn addicts. There’s an element of that that rings true in the sense that men who are porn addicts are living less than their ideal lives, so they use porn to cope with that pain. When they cut out the porn, they start feeling the pain. They start feeling the actual issues in their life. They feel the fact that they don’t have the relationships they want. They don’t have the career that they want. They don’t have good discipline. They don’t take care of themselves well. They’re not channeling that energy into bigger things. This is where guys need to recognize that their sexual energy has two sides to it. On one hand, you could argue that there’s this lover side. The part that wants to unite with something, a beautiful woman or a beautiful life.

If you’re going to transmute it up to a higher level, but it’s also intrinsically tied to the energy that allows you to conquer. That’s what testosterone modifies most in men is their status seeking behavior within certain realms. Men evolved to compete for women to be the most capable, have the most resources to do all that. This conquering status pursuit energy is inherently tied to your sexuality. When you start learning how to hold your sexuality, to hold that ache, that in turn also allows you to tap into that more primal conquering energy to then go out and discipline yourself and do something good with your life, and then ultimately become attractive and attract someone that you’re aligned with.

Tantra is all about understanding the power of your seed. As a man, the power of your seed, the power of ejaculation, our sexual energy is some of the most powerful energy for both male and female. It’s what creates life. Oftentimes you have sex, you have an orgasm and then you’re tired like, “Let’s lay here for a little bit longer, can we?” Instead of using that, can you take this power and move it through your energy body? Move it through your subtle body and then give it back to yourself, store it whether it’s the Dantian or the Manipura, which is your center of drive and willpower. It takes energy to masturbate, to create this time and chemical reactions in your body. Instead of using it just for that moment, tap into yourself in a way that you can move it back to something that’s a job, a purpose or something that is more fulfilling beyond your own small sexual desire in the moment.

It’s like you’re freeing your anima, which is in a man, it’s his perception of femininity. The anima is his ideal feminine and any woman that lines up to the anima seems very attractive to him. The problem is that most guys, their anima’s consumed by this dragon of lust. If you go into that mythological idea of the dragon hoarding the maiden. As a man, it’s your job to slay that dragon. That dragon is a thing of lust that says, “You can take this the easy way. Porn is a real sexual partner,” all the self-deceptions and rationalizations that go along with that. If you can slay that dragon, then you can free your anima, and this allows you then to unite with a greater beauty beyond just even any one individual woman. It’s learning how to make love to life. It’s something that takes time. It has to work through all of your systems, your physical, your psychological, your emotional systems, all of it. You’ve got to learn how to hold that energy and allow it to pass through you and transform you as you deal with it.

DFP 29 | Sexual Self-Mastery
Sexual Self-Mastery: Learn how to make love to life.
 

When you were in your journey and you were dealing with all these emotions and they were coming up for you, what did you do? How did you cope with it? As a society in general, men are taught and this could be a huge link also, the fact that you’re culturally conditioned not to connect to your feelings and your emotions. Sex is better than drugs. It’s better than getting into being an alcoholic at sixteen. If you are taught to repress this aspect of yourself, the feminine, the emotions, now all of a sudden, they’re coming up and you’re never again given the tools to manage them. What were some of the things that you did to deal with some of these emotions that were coming up for you?

There are a bunch of different layers to the process that I teach guys and I’ll walk you through them. On one hand, you have to get bought in. You have to get clear on what the problems porn is causing in your life and then the benefits of quitting. You also have to understand why porn is useful to you because it is a tremendous power. If porn worked, if it leads to a better life, why wouldn’t you do it? It doesn’t, so you’ve got to get a clear picture of the costs and benefits and decide that, “I’m going to pay this price. I’m going to pay essentially pain price.” Porn is a pleasure credit card. You can get pleasure at the moment, but it causes more pain in the long run. If you want to leave porn behind, you’ve got to pay off that credit card that you developed by leaning on that rather than living a good life.

Early into my reboot, I got into the process of teaching other people. Back in 2013 when I started my YouTube channel, I was one of the very first people to put their face on this issue. I was constantly talking about it and helping other people. That gave me a lot of support as I was developing the more specific tools for how to deal with this stuff. Ultimately, you can’t lie to yourself. When you can learn how to hold the truth up in the face of a painful emotion, that’s when you’re going to get free. I would say that was pretty much my journey is learning how to do that and then embody it.

At the end of the day, the biggest work that any of us could ever do is the work on ourselves. Begin to be honestly open about where we are and ask ourselves if where we are is where we want to be and if not, stop making excuses for why we’re not there. Start looking at our patterns and habits and start saying, “Is it because I’m not working out? Is it because I’m playing the victim? Is it because I’m having too much fun with porn?” It’s in those places when you start to see yourself and get real with yourself that you begin to create the reality that deep down your soul yearns for. Truly, a lot of people on my network who tune into videos, that’s why they tune in because regardless of whatever story the mind is telling, they’re realizing that there’s something deeper that is waiting to come through. Whether you found your path and you found something that has been incredibly transformational for not only your own life but many of the men that you’ve helped. Since there are a lot of people who have shared that they’re interested and they relate, how can people find you? What are the different avenues and channels if people want to work with you? What does it look like? If you want to share some of that so we can give people a place and an understanding of how to dive deeper with you?

The biggest work that any of us could ever do is the work on ourselves. Click To Tweet

The best place to probably start is to go to my YouTube channel, YouTube.com/UniversalMan. I have two playlists on there that you probably want to check out. One is the Sexual Self-Mastery Series and that’s where I start doing a bit of a deep dive into what you need to know if you want to start mastering your sexual energy. I have another series called the Porn Free FAQ’s where I tackle common questions around the process of quitting porn and rebooting your brain. That’s the idea here. If you take a period of complete abstinence, you will be able to reset your brain to a more natural and healthy level and I talk about all that stuff. That’s all completely free. In it, I advertise another free guide that you can get by going to my website, UniversalMan.com, which is called the Reboot Regimen where I start talking about the specific habit in mindset shifts that you can engage in to begin getting yourself together.

A lot of guys like that. It’s a robust guide for being free. If you want to get serious then join the community. There are a bunch of great communities out there like NoFap.com. If you’re more interested in the science, go check out YourBrainOnPorn.com. I also have a course that I have out at NoFapAcademy.com and I have a Patreon too where I’ve got a community of guys going through this stuff and I put out a ton of content exclusive to them. The best place is start with the free stuff. If you like what I’m saying and you want to go deeper, it’s all right there. I have a lot of personal clients too that I work with if you’re serious and you want to get through this as efficiently as possible.

I honor you and I thank you truly for doing the self-work and choosing to be open, honest and vulnerable and share your truth and use what was the challenge and what is the crux to begin to create a life that you love. I like that you’re more in alignment and also a life where you’re able to help a lot of people. It’s people like you who can be so open and honest and make a difference in this world that inspire me. It’s truly been a pleasure to have you. Thank you for taking your time to share your wisdom and your knowledge with this community. Thank you again, Mark.

Thank you so much for having me. I appreciate this opportunity to reach your audience. Hopefully, they’ve got something out of this. I would love to help any of you out if you’re struggling with this thing because it’s hard. This can be one of those life defining struggles. I would go so far as to say it’s quitting porn and getting your sexuality on track. It’s the rite of passage for the modern man. Do the work. It’s absolutely worth it.

Thank you so much, Mark, and everyone else. Thank you for your shares.

Thank you.

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About Mark Queppet

DFP 29 | Sexual Self-Mastery

Mark Queppet is a professional certified life coach who has founded Universal Man, a project devoted to helping men master their natural dominance powers to better serve themselves and the world.

I am also a porn addiction recovery expert. I’ve founded the Sacred Sexuality Project to help men live a higher expression of their sexuality and co-founded the NoFap® Academy (in partnership with Alexander Rhodes) to help people quit porn and live more awesome lives.

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